As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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