I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
