I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
