Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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