Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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