if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
