Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
