I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
