if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
