think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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