All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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