Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
now i know why i became what i already was.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The air taste purple.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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