i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
