Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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