So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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