She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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