I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
