Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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