I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
