My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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