Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We have started to decorate penises.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
