tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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