I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Of course I have a pirate flag
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
