Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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