Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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