Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
