It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
