She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
