Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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