I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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