highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
please come you make the beer taste better
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my being single is dangerous.
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don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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