so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
