and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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