pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
