My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
