I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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