Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
