Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
