Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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