If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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