paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
