I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
