i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
