I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail