She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize