My Higher Power is John Stamos
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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