Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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