Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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