drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
