i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
