ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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