she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
