he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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