it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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