hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
