someone get that fucking seahorse.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
